A Compulsive Debtor Finds Hope

I was born into a family whose constant theme was “There is not enough and it’s not my fault because of the color of my skin."  I was a senior citizen before I understood that when I accept responsibility for my attitudes and actions, my skin color is not the determining factor in my level of peace and prosperity.  It does not matter where I am not welcome, when God leads me, I will be able to walk through those doors.

As a young child I remember that my grandparents were not rich but they had enough.  My parents, however worried and fretted endlessly about their lack of money.  I was confused.  I saw money in my mom’s purse and my dad’s wallet.  So why did they always tell each other that they had no money when I had seen it.  I learned quickly to shut up about what I had seen.  At age 11 my father lost his job.  Our mortgage fell behind and our gas heat was turned off in a cold Pittsburgh January.  We had a kerosene heater in the living room, but the rest of the house was ice cold, especially the bathroom.  It was a sad time for us all.  My parent’s relationship became hostile and bitter.  There were loud angry arguments interspersed with hostile silences.

Each parent asked their parent(s) for financial help and by March the gas was back on and the mortgage paid to date.  My father had been and insurance salesman.  My grandfather helped my dad get work as a trash truck driver for the city.  My mother did not want to work outside the home, but found full time work in her field as a full time registered nurse for the Veterans Administration.

The crisis passed but our happy family life died that winter.  It seemed to me that their relationship never healed.  The jokes, laughter, teasing and kisses with each other never returned.  The bitter arguments and silences lasted until my dad died some 20 years later.  Moreover, even though the family income had increased significantly, according to my parents there was never any money.   I became depressed and gained 60 pounds over the next three years trying to medicate my sadness. Sugar became my one true friend.  I learned to cook.  I made cookies, candy and other sweets and pastries. By age 14 when I entered high school.   I weighed 240 pounds.  I was a motivated student in high school.  I promised myself I would never be poor like them.  I would get a good job and have all the money I wanted.

As a teenager, I was dependent on my parents for spending money.  I could not get enough money for candy, pastries and other sweets.  When the opportunity presented itself I would sometimes swipe a couple dollars from my dad’s wallet if it was laying unattended.  Once my brothers caught me and I shared with them.  When they tried it they got caught and were severely punished.  I felt guilty but I rationalized and justified my dishonesty and the effect it had on others. That became a pattern for me.  I considered myself entitled.  That dishonesty played out in other ways once I became an adult.  I would change the price on cans in the grocery store or exchange clothing price tags.  I would use stationary from work at home.  I told myself it was no big deal.

During my college years I was constantly comparing myself with others.  I lived in a constant state of discontent.  I never had enough, did enough or looked good enough.  In spite of these problems, I graduated from college, with student loan debt of course, got married, had a baby and landed a social service job with a government agency all within a year of graduation.  My young husband and I struggled financially.  There never seemed to be enough.  Finally at age 23, I joined the “in crowd."  I qualified for a store credit card.  I was happy.  I finally had a cushion against “not enough."  Little did I know at that time, it would be 42 years until I was free of all my unsecured debt.  I applied for every credit card I could and put charges on all of them.  My spending was determined by whether or not I would be able to make the minimum monthly payments.

My husband would not agree with using credit cards to buy food or gasoline.  Not even for restaurants.  He would say that these items were used up long before the bills for them came in.  I was disgruntled.  I complained and cajoled, but he prevailed.  Today, I am grateful for that mercy.  I paid the minimum on every credit card each month, but I paid based on when I got my pay check.   I rarely looked at the due date on the bill.  That strategy backfired when my husband and I applied for our first mortgage.  Our application was denied because my credit report showed late payments.  I went on a pay off and close frenzy for the next year.  I went from having twelve or more credit cards down to three all paid timely.  As fast as we moved into our new home I began to accumulate more credit cards and debt, telling myself we needed things for the house and the new baby.  Six years passed, there were now three children and we needed a bigger house.  Again, I had to close five or 6 credit cards, pay off uncollectible debts and write letters of explanation for why bills were paid late or not at all.  I never considered that this was not normal.

We got the mortgage and that was all I cared about.  So now in addition to credit cards, there was a line of credit from the bank based on the equity in our new home.  A bank line of credit meant to me that I had “arrived”.  I could have whatever I wanted.  Today, I realize that all I had really done was create another vehicle for creating even more debt.  The rationalization was that we needed to buy new furniture.  However, within six months another $12,000 in debt was added without a single new piece of furniture being purchased.  Within the year my husband and I had each taken second jobs.  We got up at 5:00 a.m. six days a week to deliver newspapers. Then, I caught the train and traveled an hour to be at my job by 8:30 a.m.  I was regularly late for work.  I was always tired.  I regularly compulsively shopped and ate to feel better.   After a few years of working two jobs, I found a broker willing to work with me and my mediocre credit score to help refinance our home and make the debt disappear, our house became my ATM.  I quit the second job, paid off the debt from the line of credit by folding the debt into the principal on our home.

I had not learned anything from that struggle.  Within 4 years I had $22,000 in credit card and signature loan debt.  That spring, my utilities were turned off for non-payment in spite of having a total family income of $50,000.  I confided this information to a friend who recommended Debtors Anonymous, which I had never heard of.  I was desperate so I went.  I loved hearing the stories of recovery that were shared in the meetings.  I ignored the suggestions to get a sponsor, work the steps and attend business meetings.  I was truly horrified at the thought of sharing my personal income and bills with total strangers in a PRG in spite of desperately needing one.  I simply did not have that level of humility.  I attended meetings every Thursday evening for three years.  My debt fell from $22,000 to $4,000.  I took the suggestion to work harder at work and apply for a promotion.  I got a promotion.  I had a spending plan.  I made charitable giving a part of my spending plan.  I still did not get the concept of a spiritual illness.  So I applied for an American Express credit card in my husband’s name.

I rationalized getting the credit card because I would need it to visit colleges to help my sons in their college search.  I used it for that purpose.  There were car rentals, hotels, meals on the road, new clothing, airfares and college application and other school related fees.  But I also used it to attend family reunions, buying Christmas gifts and going on vacations.  In addition, I refinanced the mortgage on my home to pay $35,000 in educational expenses and folded that debt into the mortgage principal.  The mortgage principal was now $48,000 larger than the original mortgage amount and this was after living in the home and paying on the mortgage for 15 years.

Within two years I was attending DA meetings again.   I still did not get a sponsor, did not do any step work and my service was limited to occasionally leading a meeting.  I did attend one Share-A-Day retreat during the next three years.  In 2001, my husband died and I received a sizable life insurance payment.  The first $50.000 of that money went to pay off debt.  However, I was now debt free and had more money than I ever dreamed of having.  I was set.  I no longer needed DA and left again.

Over the next 10 years I continued to compulsively spend and debt.  I retired from my full time employment.  My financial advisor advised me at the time of my retirement that I had adequate means and I should be okay financially.  Within five years she told me that I needed to go back to work.  We had sold investments at least 3 or 4 times to pay off debt in excess of $10,000.  I was paying $760.00 a month on current debt and my advisor was not willing to sell the modest amount of investments I had left.  I did not want to go back to work full time.  I decided I would pay off my debt and this time it would be different, I would not get into debt again.  I requested a copy of my credit report.  It was 11 pages long and had the names of 40 creditors.  I made sure they were all mine.  I was stunned with disbelief.  But the light bulb finally came on in my head.

I am truly a compulsive debtor.  I realize that I want to use someone else's money so I could keep my own.  However, there was no way that I could keep that money because nothing could change the fact that the money belonged to my creditors.  I went on line and began to listen in on phone meetings.  Then I found a face to face meeting at a convenient time that was an hour from my home.  I needed a face to face meeting so I went. 

I came back into DA for the third time the second Sunday, July 2012.  I was a little late for the meeting.  I got there just as the business meeting started.  In my two prior attempts in DA I avoided business meetings.  I just knew God was talking to me.  God was telling me and showing me that I need the whole program.  I finally got it.  In DA I was not going to be able to take what I liked and leave the rest.

A few months later, I was fortunate enough to find DA HOW through the phone meetings.  As I listened to those who shared, I recognized that I needed the additional structure that DA HOW provides as support and discipline in my recovery program

The suggested actions of the DA HOW program are the tools I need to recover from the spiritual illness of compulsive spending and debting.  The steps and tools enable me to have a solid foundation upon which to build a happy useful life.  Skimping on the foundation means the structure will never be solid and secure.  I have learned the hard way that half measures will never work to keep me free of debt. 

Today, I take the DA HOW program suggestions as vital to my recovery.  I pray daily for solvency and relief from vagueness.  I write my numbers daily.  I call my sponsor each day and commit my planned spending for the day.  I do a daily reading and write about it.  I share that writing with my sponsor.  I check my category balances before I spend and I check my bank account balances most days to ensure accuracy.  I have a sponsor and am a sponsor.  I attend face to face and phone meetings.  I am the GSR at my face to face meeting and have attended two World Service Conferences and do service at the WSO level.  I have an action buddy that I talk to most days.  I make outreach calls and book end money actions that are difficult or have been problems in the past. 

A solid DA HOW recovery program is lots of work but the miracles I enjoy today are worth all of the effort.  I have no unsecured debt for the first time in 42 years.  I recently paid off the 30 year mortgage on my home.  It took me 31 years. This year I bought a major appliance with cash, a first time event for me.  I have a modest prudent reserve and am saving for renovations to my home.  DA has enabled me to rediscover what decades of debting behavior had stolen, faith in God, hope, visions and the reality of a more prosperous life.  I am truly grateful.

 

 

 

 

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